Desperate days with new puppy give me sympathy for CEOs

The Murrays got a puppy. Iโ€™d like to introduce him, and then weโ€™ll talk about him.

Cute little fellow.

Yeah, yeah. Within the first week:

I had spent $1,000 on the dog and on Training Sprays, Pee Pads, Poo Baggies, Gourmet Food and Other Stuff That Dog Owners Didnโ€™t Need Until PetSmart Told Them They Neededยฎ.

I had felt a warm ooze between my bare toes.

I had mopped up Charlieโ€™s little puddles maybe a dozen times.

Only a dozen, because Iโ€™d taken Charlie down the three flights of stairs probably 60 times.
I had bellowed โ€œnoโ€ several hundred times.

I had lain awake for hours waiting for Charlie to stop barking from his cage. I can tell you that he barks at the rate of 62 times per minute.

Sleep deprived, I had gotten into an e-mail argument with Scoutโ€™s Aunt Susy, who feels strongly that I should refer to the cage as a โ€œkennel,โ€ because โ€œcage sounds like the zoo.โ€ How does gulag grab you?

I had risen seven mornings before sunup to take Charlie out.

I had had a conversation about โ€œbuyerโ€™s remorseโ€ with my wife. Tyranically but sincerely, I told her the thought, however natural, is simply unacceptable.

I had missed five workouts, unable to leave Charlie at the house to go running, unwilling to drag him down the sidewalk as I jogged. (Finally, I got over it, and now drag him down the sidewalk.)

My wife told me I need to be โ€œstrategicโ€ about when I wrestle with him, โ€œSo he knows when itโ€™s OK to bite.โ€ I told her I didnโ€™t know what โ€œstrategicโ€ meant in this context. She said, โ€œLike, maybe just donโ€™t wrestle with him at all.โ€

I had told Scout she mustnโ€™t run from Charlie when he nips at her. She continues to run from Charlie every time he nips at her. โ€œIโ€™m scared!โ€

(Oh, and donโ€™t think I donโ€™t know youโ€™re finding fault with my leadership already; I use the word โ€œIโ€ too much, and โ€œweโ€ too little. Well Iโ€™m running a three-ring circus here, and I donโ€™t have time to play tiddlywinks with everybodyโ€™s ego.)

I have my strategiesโ€”for potty training, and less urgent forms of obedienceโ€”and Iโ€™m sticking to them, and demanding that everyone in the household sticks to them. But do I know theyโ€™re going to work? No, and so I furtively check the websites of pet โ€œexpertsโ€ to see if theyโ€™ve got any other strategies that might work better.

I think I know how a CEO feels.

Helpless, put-upon, a little scared โ€ฆ and sorry for himself.

And with absolutely no moral justification.

โ€”DM

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